July 03, 2008
MUCH ADO ABOUT NADA
MUSINGS

So, it keeps getting hotter and hotter and it comes closer and closer to my nervous breakdown, which usually happens during the summer months...and I just don't see it happening. While LTD still has to occasionally force the meds down, I take them on my own as much as humanly possible. I hate taking them. I hate it too much for mere words to describe, but I take them anyway. And they are keeping me sane. I tried to barter away a few of them at my appointment with the shrink, but that was a no-go. He always has to remind me that the better I feel, the less I feel the need for meds--but indeed, it is medication that is making me feel better. It's a viscious cycle.

Feeling the need to get political for a second...John McCain scares the living shit out of me. And I'm talking like anti-Christ scary. He's like Bush with Brains. He's BWB. *shakes it off*

These days there is more laughter than tears, more feeling safe than being afraid, more exposure and less hiding. The fact that I'm exposing my breasts shouldn't matter. I'm getting out there, people!

And I'm in love. This is gooey, mushy, heels-over-head love...all day, every night, non-stop bliss. We used to wonder why we never fought, but we seldom do that anymore. Strangely, this safe, sane, vanilla love has been the most passionate experience of my life.

If love is all you need, then why do I still need medication? Hmmmm? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Crazy Tracy | 10:15 PM | comment (1) | trackback (0) | view »
 
June 28, 2008
WATCHING THE SCALES...AGAIN
HEALTH & FITNESS

My doctor has put me on yet another medication--this one for my cholesterol, which is dangerously high. Adding that to the diabetes and the kidney damage, my weight must come down. He wants me on a low-fat, high fiber diet, which sounds like such fun, but which is totally necessary to keep from having a fucking heart attack or stroke. So, I joined Weight Watchers (again) because it's the only thing that has ever worked for me in terms of real weight loss.

The thing with diabetes (Type 2) is, you can totally eradicate the disease by eating right, losing weight and exercising. I wouldn't have to swallow those enormous pills every morning and night, I wouldn't have to stick my finger to check my blood several times a day and I'd get healthy in the process. Everyone with diabetes knows this, so why doesn't everyone do it? Because it's fucking hard, that's why.

Well, it's also hard to have heart disease, kidney damage, high cholesterol and to be so fat and out of shape that climbing a simple flight of stairs is to be avoided at all costs. This is not fun.

Quitting smoking would also be a good idea, yes? How many times have I tried that? At least ten. What will be the lucky number? When will I quit for good? When will I get off my ass and stop making excuses?

Crazy Tracy | 12:41 PM | comment (4) | trackback (0) | view »
 
June 23, 2008
LOTS OF STUFF
MUSINGS

Good news first: LTD's mother spoke her first words today...lots of words. She's been mentally alert and aware for over a week, but she has a trach, which prevented her from speaking. When we went to see her this morning, the nurse told us outside the room that LTD's mother had a surprise for her. We thought it was that she was eating now, a soft diet, which is a major improvement. When we got inside the room, her mother waved and T asked her how she was doing. She responded, "I've been waiting all morning for you to get here." I thought T was going to pass out. She's been on cloud nine all damn day.

Some other good stuff: We had a great vacation. We went to the beach, ate dinner at the Tiki Hut, went snorkling for sea shells, I got to see Susie and the baby, LTD got to see her first live and wild alligators in Lake Okeechobee up close (my brother Eric can mimic the call of a baby gator in distress, which moves the alligators closer to the shore line), we visited with family and it all went by way too fast. It wasn't as hot as we expected because it rained almost every afternoon. Everything was perfect...until the very last day.

LTD, Tasha and I went to see my brothers (two of which came from miles away to see us). It was widely rumored that my father was going to stop in since he was doing business in that town. I had a sinking suspicion that he wasn't. When I asked my sister-in-law if he had planned to stop by she just shook her head and said, "He's not coming." I should've just left it there, but I had to know. I said, "Is it because of Tasha?" and she said yes.

I haven't seen my father in six years. He doesn't answer my emails. He doesn't pick up when I call him. I never came right out and asked him why, because, well, I couldn't get a hold of him to do so. So now I know for sure. He's rejecting Tasha and rejecting me by proxy. As it stands right now, I will never see my father again. Why would I even want someone like that in my life, right? But I'm so curious. How much fear and intolerance does it take to cut your own daughter out of your life because her child is transgendered? All you need is love? Maybe he just doesn't have enough of that to get passed this. The very first time I held Tasha in my arms, I knew there would never be anything bad enough that she could do to make me stop loving her. Did my father ever have that feeling when he held me? Was it always just conditional? Did he always know that he would love me unless I disappointed him, and then he would have to cut me out of his life? Well, he's dead to me now. It rips my heart in half just to write that. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say it out loud.

Tasha'a father cut her out of his life a few years ago. It never seemed to bother her. She had no real desire to understand the why of it and when I ask her about it, she just shrugs and says she doesn't care. I finally know what a big lie that is.

Crazy Tracy | 09:34 PM | comment (4) | trackback (0) | view »
 
June 19, 2008
VACATION--DAY 4
HOLIDAYS

Yesterday at the beach we got to see our dog swim for the first time. It was adorable. We've basically been taking it pretty easy, which is how a vacation should go, but unexpected things have occured which we could not foresee, thus, um, unexpected...

First, have I told you lately how much I love LTD? She is without a doubt the most laid-back person I have ever been with. Check this out. This morning we got up early to go to Universal Studios. It's about two hours away. We get all the way there and guess who decides that her breakfast should come back up? Yes, me. I puked my guts out on the side of the road. Not to let the incident go without humor, when I asked her for a napkin or something to wipe my mouth off with, she hands me a maxi-pad. Rather than spend over $150.00 to go to the theme park only to be sick throughout, we decided to turn around and head back. She has not complained or blamed or anything. I love this woman. Now we are back at the hotel room. Tasha is with my Mom today and LTD went to a tourist-y gift shop to get something for her Mom.

I'm just relaxing and being very thankful that I have Tracy in my life. Though I've apologized a hundred times, she keeps telling me it's not necessary, it's no problem, just forget about it. I don't know if I would've been so understanding. Would I? I'd like to think so.

Crazy Tracy | 01:29 PM | comment (3) | trackback (0) | view »
 
June 17, 2008
VACATION--DAY 2
HOLIDAYS

Yesterday was a lonnnnng day. It took us 14 hours to drive to Florida. We left at 5:30 that morning and just drove and drove and drove. We got to the hotel in time enough to throw our bags down, grab a quick bite, catch a glimpse of the beach and go see my Mommy. Strangely, it rained much of the way down but I still have a sunburn on my right arm from hanging it out the window. Florida is so fucking hot. Tasha has barely ventured out of the room. We're having dinner with my Mom tonight at Red Lobster. Tomorrow we're hitting the beach. We were lucky to find a beach that is dog-friendly. Thursday we're going to Universal Studios. Frankly this is the first time I've felt like a tourist in my own state, but I am enjoying it. More later...

...oh, did I mention how fucking hot it is here? LTD has almost bursted into flames.

Crazy Tracy | 04:52 PM | comment (4) | trackback (0) | view »
 
June 13, 2008
A LITTLE DITTY
RANDOM BABBLING

My great-grandmother died a long time ago. I used to spend summers at her house in Ohio and loved going there until I became a teenager and then wanted nothing to do with any of my family.

My favorite story of her, however, makes me smile whenever I think about it. She was a morning person. She got out of bed every day at 4:00 a.m. and went about the morning before work at her leisure--cooking breakfast, ironing her clothes for the day, cleaning the kitchen, feeding the birds outside. Her work day didn't start until 9:00, but she didn't want to be rushed. One day, however, she got up late and had to tear around the house to get her usual activities done. She finally made it out the door and proceeded to walk the five blocks to her bus-stop. Along the way on this particular day, several cars honked at her. She waved back. A couple of people shouted out their windows as they drove by. She couldn't hear what they were saying, so she just waved. She was a happy, friendly person like that. It wasn't until she reached work and went to the bathroom that she realized she had tucked her skirt into the back of her pantyhose.

It always makes me smile. I hope it made you smile, too.

Crazy Tracy | 12:43 PM | comment (4) | trackback (0) | view »
 
June 08, 2008
THAT SWINGING MAST

Having bipolar disorder is like being chained to a pirate ship's mast in the middle of the ocean. Sometimes there is calm when the water is like glass, smooth like silk, with breezes that blow across your face like dreams. Most often, however, the sea is a massive undertaking of torment, crashing tidal waves over your decks, smashing you about from side to side when you can't tell if up is above you and if down is below. It will go on for hours, this assault, and all you can really do is hold on and pray for exoneration or death. Death for someone with bipolar disorder is a constant thrashing on a ship. They may call it suicidal ideation, but for someone with bipolar, it is a constant option. It is seeing those frollicking mermaids just beyond the storm, happy and serene in soothing waters. It will come to you slowly, while you grasp the mast with everything you've got, that you are chained to that ship and even if you made the choice to end what can only be described as an unfair life, the choice isn't yours to make. You've just got to hold on. You will hold on, for Tasha, for LTD, for the dog and cat, for the friends and family who would be bottomed out for years by your suicide. It does linger, though. It is always there. It will always be there.

We will be going to Florida next week on vacation. I go as if by force, compelled by something that breathes still down my back, mocking me and laughing at my audacity. Dare I enjoy myself? Dare I have the gall to reach out to my family and friends with joy and happiness on my face when the Beast is so fucking close I'm afraid to close my eyes at night? Who the hell am I to deserve a break from my imprisonment? Who the fuck do I think I am?

I leave you with this song Tasha found on YouTube. Its soulfulness was the impetus for my writing this entry.

Heaven

Crazy Tracy | 07:23 PM | comment (7) | trackback (0) | view »
 
June 03, 2008
BLOWN AWAY
PERSONAL INSANITY

Battling a beast usually conjures up in one's mind, in this case, a woman, decked out in armor, shielded against the beast's fire and holding a sword or some other metal device in which to slay the onslaught. Sometimes it feels that way, but usually it is something as small as dodging an ever persistant house fly that happened its way in when you let the dog out. When your defenses are low, things get in very easily. Things like the boom-boom-boom of your neighbor's stereo while he's outside looking at his car's engine. Things like raging war on the house thermostat because it is never consistently cool inside. Things like your dog following you from room to room, no matter from the kitchen or into the bathroom, just to follow you and be near you. I've said it before. I'll say it now. It is the absolute minutia.

I felt it sitting on me all day yesterday, pushing me down, weighing heavily on the X that marked the top of my head. I moved around. I did some housework. I stayed busy with a list T made for me before she went to work. Accomplishing all the tasks did nothing to lift the weight and so I tried a little experiment. I sat down on the couch, relaxed my muscles, cleared my mind, took some deep breaths and let it have me.

The whispers in my head began immediately: You are nothing. You have nothing. You will never be anything. You suck. You should kill yourself. You belong nowhere. nothing is going to save you. Go ahead and cry. No one will hear you. No one will care. You were never meant to live this long. You've done nothing with your life. You have no friends. you belong to no one. Tasha would be better without you. T doesn't need you. She'll get over you. Disappear.

Crying my ass off was the only thing that washed the crevices clear. It left me absolutely numb. Crying last night helped fight off more of the same. Today, we are here again, battling, not letting go, not sitting still, not letting it in, not letting it destroy me, not being able to sit on the fucking couch and just relaxing.

T refuted all those bullshit statements last night in bed. She told me that I belonged to her, to Tasha, that Matt was depending on me, so he was yet another person who needed me. I cried so hard. And I am now constantly on the verge of tears, of breaking down, of being blown away.

What evil descends when I am left alone in this house with nothing to do. What absolute horror plays out in my brain when I'm trapped inside these walls with nothing but myself to talk to. I remain, as ever, my own hostage.

Crazy Tracy | 02:18 PM | comment (8) | trackback (0) | view »
 
May 18, 2008
LOOKING UP
PERSONAL INSANITY

I've been up and down over the past few days, going up towards mania and then crashing down into depression. The meds are holding, as I don't lose control completely...just enough to know things are a little off balance. Believe it or not, it's helped me to know that LTD needs me. It grounds me. (By the way, I'm going to tell you LTD's real name, even though we'll still call her LTD, for obvious reasons, as you will see. Her name is *drumroll*....Tracy.)

I'm still waiting to hear the determination regarding disability. I only have until September before everything runs out. My insurance is about to be cancelled. Things could literally be gearing up to blow up in my face, again. I'm lucky I have T running interference, though she does make me do my share of the work...making phone calls, mailing off forms. She won't let me fall. Each time I start to slip just a little, there is a firm hand holding me over the alligator pit. I know she won't let me fall. If I do go down, it'll be because I let go. And I'm holding on.

T's mom is doing a little better. Her eyes are open but she's not really seeing anything. She sort of looks right through you. The doctors say this is the process of coming out of all that sedation. It has broken my heart to see T going through this and there is still a long way to go. We take it day by day, never knowing what to expect. Some people say to "hope for the best, expect the worst." It's hard to do. She's fighting. She's a tough old broad. She's fighting her ass off. And all LTD can do right now is stand by her bed, hold her hand and encourage her as much as possible to keep fighting. It is heart-wrenching to watch.

This is why I can't get sick. T is depending on me. Matt is depending on me. Tasha is depending on me. There is so much to stay well for. There is so much to hold on for. This year I'm not going to say "I'm not going to get sick." This year I'm going to say "I'm going to stay well." And I'm going to let these people need me. And I'm not going to let them down.

And all the while I have T's firm grip holding me safely over the alligator pit. I won't let go.

Crazy Tracy | 11:00 AM | comment (10) | trackback (0) | view »
 
May 12, 2008
KID ON THE CORNER
MUSINGS

I have a little problem I've been turning over in my head for about a week. It involves a kid--not mine; someone else's kid--who is heading for nothing and nowhere fast. We'll call him "Matt."

Matt is a friend of Tasha's who she met through some other friends when they were hanging out at the mall. Over a period of about a year, Matt and Tasha got closer and closer and decided to date. They broke up after a very short time and Tasha's heart was broken. A little while after that, they again met up at the mall and started going back out again--and by "going out" I mean simply that they talk to each other on the phone and hang out at the mall. (We keep very strict tabs on Tasha.) And here's why...

Matt is the kind of kid I've always referred to as a "nowhere kid." He's 19 (Tasha is 15). He dropped out of school in the 8th grade. He's been arrested for possession of drugs, has been on probation, has violated probation and does nothing all day but play video games. He doesn't have a driver's license, no G.E.D., and no hope for any kind of future. He has two siblings that live with different fathers and he lives at home with his mom and grandmother, neither of which he gets along. His father left home when Matt was one. After that he had two step-fathers that didn't like him very much. He was once kicked out of his house and had to live in a shelter.

He said something last week when we gave him a ride home from the mall that perked up my ears. It was simply this: "I can do anything with electronics." Since then I have him on the path to a Bachelor's Degree at ITT-Tech. I'm not kidding.

I took him today to the orientation to the G.E.D. at the local college. I had to pick him up and will have to drive him home. He has to go again tomorrow to take the practice test. If he scores high enough, they'll schedule him to take the actual test. If not, (and he says he's not very good when it comes to reading and writing), I will have to tutor him.

After that, I'm going to get him a study book from the license bureau so he can study for his driver's test. I don't think any of this is a lot to do. It's mainly just driving him places where he can work on getting his life together.

But the big picture bothers me. How far do I think I can take him? He'd qualify for all the financial programs and grants offered at any local college, including ITT-Tech. With a bachelor's degree in electronics, he'd be set in life as to career and stability. He also likes to take computers apart and put them back together. The future could be very bright for this kid.

But tangible things pose problems. He doesn't have a car. His mother and grandmother share a car. He'd have to get a job to save enough money to buy a car before he could go to school, but how will he get and keep a job if he has no way to get there? His criminal record could pose another problem. Will it effect his getting a job in the first place? And then there is still the car issue.

And why do I care? Well, someone has to. But I think it stems from my friend Susan and how she helped me through school. She let me live in her house. She got me a car. She paid for all the food, all the bills, bought me clothes (and maternity clothes) all in exchange for me watching her daughter a few days a week. I guess I'm trying to pay-it-forward. And there's something in this kid that I believe in. I don't know what it is. It's just a feeling, I guess.

So, do you think he stands a chance? Or am I just a big fool?

Crazy Tracy | 02:33 PM | comment (8) | trackback (0) | view »
 
May 08, 2008
NO HOME FOR TEARS
MUSINGS

LTD's mother is in the hospital. After entering the hospital to have a hysterectomy, she ended up getting the gamet of post-op complications and has been in ICU for eight days. She has tubes going in and out everywhere, is not breathing on her own and has been sedated into unconsciousness since after surgery. The doctors have given her a poor prognosis and she remains in critical condition.

LTD and her mother are very close and this has put LTD under an incredible amount of stress. She has cried in her supervisor's office. She has cried with her co-workers. She has cried in her mother's room in front of the nurses there. I suspect that if the mailman asked her how she was doing she would just break down in sobs. But she won't cry in front of me.

I know people handle stress differently in different situations. I've seen some of the "toughest" people go down in a heap of despair under lesser situations. I've seen the "weak" rally around their families and keep everything together. But I don't know why LTD keeps her tears from me. And what can I do really? I just sit quietly next to her and watch her fight for composure, watch her battle fear and pain that is too big to stand up under. I just sit quietly.

I've never been through this with anyone before. Are there things I should be saying? I don't buy into the everything-will-be-alright bullshit or it's-in-God's-hands mentality. What do I do? How can I help her if she won't let down her defenses enough for me to get through?

Say a prayer, light a candle or send out good thoughts for LTD's mother. We need help here.

Crazy Tracy | 04:23 PM | comment (8) | trackback (0) | view »
 
www.crazytracy.com
E-mail Me
NAME: Tracy
AGE: 44
BIRTHDAY: 3/20/64
KID: Tasha
PARTNER: LTD
JOB: Psych RN
WEIGHT LOSS: 5.3 lbs
ASSESSMENTS:
A to Z
100 Things
100 Gay Things

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MUCH ADO ABOUT NADA
WATCHING THE SCALES...AGAIN
LOTS OF STUFF
VACATION--DAY 4
VACATION--DAY 2




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